PASS!

Thank you, Jesus,

I passed the last Step of my licensing Board exam!

This afternoon we toasted with pear juice after I got the email.

A toast to the Boards passed!

This was the third and final exam, and after taking all three while pregnant,

I am glad that I won't have to do any of them again.

I have to thank T for his constant encouragement, 

Nana, MoMo and Papa and the many friends who offered up abundant prayers,

little J-Bear for putting up with all the butterflies in my tummy during the two day exam,

Buddy Bear for the practical testing of throwing up on me as I walked in from my first exam day,

and G-Bear and E-Bear for sticking with me through thick and thin, not only during medical school, but everyday since.

Most of all, thank you, Lord, for helping me leap this last testing hurdle. 

On gardening and Match Day

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, 
while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, 
so that it will be even more fruitful."  

~John 15:1-2

One of our community rose bushes.

Back in January, I was shocked to see that the large, lovely rose bushes outside our community office had been reduced to pathetic-looking stubs.  As I am not educated in the ways of gardening, I assumed that this was a travesty.  I found out later, from our office manager, that the rose bush branches had been intentionally hacked off.  "Oh, that?" He said, "we just had them pruned so that they'll blossom this year.  Just wait, you'll see, they will be beautiful come springtime."

Three weeks ago, February 22nd, was a difficult day in my life.  That Wednesday was the deadline for all residency applicant rank lists to be submitted for the medical residency Match.  The deadline came and went: I chose not to submit my list.  It was not that I had fallen out of love with medicine.  In fact, after a long season of interviewing, months of prayer and deliberation, I was excited for the next step of my training, thrilled to serve others as a physician.  But, as I reflected on what I would miss with my children, in our family life, moments that I couldn't get back, responsibilities that would have to be delegated, I was faced with an unshakable, interior disquiet.  My restlessness increased as I realized that I couldn't be a resident and, at the same time, the kind of wife and mother that I want to be.  I wanted to have both medicine and motherhood my way, and I couldn't; not right now, anyway.  For now, it was time to make a choice.  Regardless of the decision, my choice would result in giving up something that I loved, and that would be painful.

So on the day of the deadline, as I passed by those stubby rose bushes on my way to get our mail, my eyes filled with tears.  I realized that my life, too, was being pruned in a major way.  The Master Gardener had entered the garden of my life with giant loppers, and as much as I wanted to trust His expertise, I resented feeling just as naked as the stubby plants before me.  

In his book, God's Power to Change Your Life, author Rick Warren puts it this way:

"Professional pruners will tell you that most people are too timid when it comes to pruning.  I used to think that pruning was going in and gently cutting off the little dead pieces.  Not so.  The live stuff needs to go too - branches, leaves, and flowers.... 

....Here is my point: most of us think that when God prunes us, he cuts off the sinful and the superficial, the deadwood in our lives.  He does do that, but he also cuts off stuff that is alive and successful: a business that is going great, a satisfying relationship, good health.  Some of that may get whacked off for greater fruitfulness.  It is not just deadwood that goes.  God often cuts back good things too, in order to make us healthier.  It is not always pleasant, but pruning is absolutely essential for spiritual growth.  It is not optional.  Remember, God is glorified when we bear "much fruit" (John 15:8), and that requires pruning.  We must remember that the loppers are in the hands of our loving God.  He knows what he is doing, and he wants the best for us.  If you are a Christian, you are going to be pruned.  Count on it."  ~From God's Power to Change Your Life, by Rick Warren

Today is Match Day, the day when residency assignments for the coming year are revealed.  I anticipated for months that today would be a big day for me and my family, and I suppose that it is, but not in the way I expected.  Today is a big day because of what is not happening for me, so that so much more can happen for us.

In the weeks since withdrawing from the Match, I have been reminded of how great God's plan is for our lives.  He promises in Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 

"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

Do I trust God for this?  I am trying.  In the days following my decision, I wrestled with real sadness and feelings of regret.  T wisely pointed me to the following short film entitled, "My Garden," by former pastor Ed Dobson.  The film describes the transformation of his life since the disease ALS ended his formal pastoral ministry.   His story helped me understand myself better.

As each of us walks the road of life, our path is often rough and dark.  God promises to make the road before us both light and smooth (Isaiah 42:16).  I don't know what is ahead, but I know that God's good plans for me are there.  I trust that a loving God is holding the shears that just pruned residency from the next year my life.  

The kids and I went to get the mail today.  We passed by the rose bushes.  I would not have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes: the stubby bushes are covered with leaves and buds.

I, too, now pruned, am ready to bloom.

The interviews are done

Praise the Lord, we have made it through my interview season.

My last interview was today.  The kids and I returned home to T exhausted.  I was exhausted but elated from my last interview day.  The kids were exhausted and elated from the spectacularly fun day they had enjoyed with their cousins at Aunt K's house.  We celebrated by having dinner out, using a gift certificate from my sister and Uncle T.  Such a treat.

If there is anything I have gained through this interview season, it is opportunity.  If there is anything I lack at it's end, it is clarity on the right step to take next.  I am so grateful for our friends and family who have prayed for me, daily in some cases, throughout this season.  I am also speechless with gratitude for the people who invested in me, encouraged me and sacrificed to help me get where I am now.

"I will guide you.  I will turn darkness into light before you and make the rough places smooth." 

 ~Isaiah 42:16"

We are celebrating in a big way this week, and we'll have lots of fun celebration stories to share in a few days.  I can't wait.

Interview Math

Seven days

+

Six nights

+

Four cities

+

Three kids

+

Two adults

(me and Nana!)

+

One Sienna minivan

=

Epic interview season adventures!

Believe me, interviewing is not as glamorous as it might sound.  Nonetheless, Nana and the super-duper trooper Bears shine on through thick and thin.  I wish I could say the same for myself!  Thankfully, tonight I wrapped up my last interview of 2011.  I have only two more to go in 2012.  We have our reunion with T and the Johnson Family Christmas Gathering to look forward to on Thursday.  And, not to be lost in the shuffle, our sweet E-Bear turns the big 3 in a few hours.  I will probably exercise my parental discretion and not  disclose the arrival of his birthday until Thursday, when we are all back together as a family.  But don't worry (MoMo!), a spectacular Lightning McQueen birthday cake has been ordered, and the Cars decorations will be on hand to make our little big man feel like the three year old prince that he is.  

Our crew can be hard to keep up with.  Tonight I am especially thankful for our friends and family who have come along side us for this wild ride. 

Best Interview "Welcome" gift

I just finished week one of residency interviews.   I am really enjoying the chance to meet people and programs, reflect on possibilities, and imagine the future.   I also have a new favorite interview day "Welcome" gift:  the re-useable tote bag!  Who doesn't need another family snack bag or grocery tote?!   Plus, it's a gift that is generous, functional and green all at the same time.   Such a great idea!

When a decision looms large

Faced any big decisions lately?

I have one that I've been putting off for a long time.  I will be interviewing next week, which will bring the decision to the forefront of my mind (as if it hasn't been there constantly for several years already!).

I have written before about how I have struggled to make professional decisions now that I am a mother.  I want to live a life that pleases God, serves my family and makes the world a better place for others.  Most days I find myself wondering which path would allow me to fulfill these goals the most.  Is one path better or more fulfilling than another?

I don't know the answer to my question.  But I think I found a clue in the book of Colossians this week:

"We pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way:

bearing fruit in every good work,

growing in the knowledge of God,

being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might 

so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father,

who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light."

~Colossians 1:10-12

There are times in life when we have to make a choice between right and wrong.  There are many other times when the important decision is not what path we choose, but the kind of person we will be on our chosen path.  Perhaps that is why God's answer to my prayers over this decision seem so elusive:  perhaps while I pray so hard over the road ahead, he is more concerned with the driver.

So, Queen B, as you face a decision that feels so daunting, don't forget the important stuff:

Bear fruit in every good work,

grow in the knowledge of God,

be strengthened with His power so you have endurance and patience,

and do it all with thanksgiving for the eternity ahead.

P.S.  Check out this request from NY Times OP-Ed columnist, David Brooks.  If you know any particularly wise septuagenarians, their reflections on life, what they did well, not so well, and what they learned along the way, could be really instructive for younger generations as we struggle to navigate adulthood, careers, family, life.  

A Walk in His Shoes

Before our move last week, T took some pictures of the shoes he wore during residency.

These shoes were too worn to make the cross country trek with us, but oh, the stories they would tell if they could talk!  They saw it all with T, whether in the clinic or in the OR.  

Seeing them is like a window into the life of a resident.

This week T will be wearing a new pair of shoes both literally and figuratively.  Today T starts his new job, this time as a fellow.  We are so excited for him as we continue the process of adapting to our new home.   For us, it is another day to pause and reflect on how far he has come. 

Crush the Boards, T!

Does anyone else feel like all we do in medicine is take tests?


Well, today's exam is a big one.  T takes his specialty board exam today.

"It's amazing, the buildup to tomorrow," 

T said last night as we silently shared a bowl of ice cream.

Well said.  Shall we say, five years of buildup?  

Please pray for T today as he leaps this last, hard hurdle.   He has worked so hard.  I promise to give him a hero's welcome from all of you when he arrives home after the exam.

The Chiefs' Last Hurrah

T and his residency classmates officially rode off into the sunset of residency last Friday.

After five long years, they have left the ranks of residents.

The eight chief residents, class of 2011.

Last Friday, all eight of the outgoing chief residents and their spouses spent the afternoon and evening celebrating victory over the past five years.  These eight worked so hard and have grown so close, as have their loved ones.  We celebrated these special relationships, significant accomplishments and five years of memories together.  Now it's time to go our separate ways as they study for Boards and head off for fellowships.

We are going to miss our precious friends,

Don't these eight look happy to be done?

but we're all pretty excited that residency is over.

The spouses celebrating.
Who do you looks more excited about graduation?

And T, I have said it before but I must say it again,

I am so proud of you.   

I love you.

Residency Graduation Day

Today is our day to toast five long years of residency,

from the first days,

to the last days,

and all the days between,

T's pile of consult cards from one 6 month rotation,
and his completed operating case log book.

here's to the skilled and compassionate surgeon you have become,

and the loving husband and father you have remained.

Congratulations to T and his fellow chief residents on their graduation today!

Hallelujah!

Trauma Call Survivor

We are so proud of our Daddy T today!  Last night he finished his final night of trauma call.  Today he walks out from his last day of work at our local trauma hospital.  After 5 long years of training and working there, it has become a special place for both of us.  The kids and I headed over to his clinic this afternoon and spent a special lunch celebrating with the department staff and other residents.

The 2 chiefs, their families, and the faithful junior residents.

Only a few more weeks of residency remain!  Hang in there, T, we are so proud of you!

Neurology round-up

I am done with Neurology today, the last required rotation of my medical school career, provided I pass my last med school SHELF exam this afternoon.  Then I have 5 weeks of elective rotations to finish up and then I am done.  But, I am not the only one passing milestones this month.  T finishes his last week ever at the Veterans Affairs hospital next week.  Both of these accomplishments bring us even closer to our big graduation finale this spring.  It is hard for us to believe how close we are coming to the end of these stages of our respective professional lives.

It has been a busy week, and I haven't yet decided how best to celebrate this weekend.  We'll take suggestions!

Persevering at Work

As our friends who are residents know, there are many days when going to work feels like drudgery, days at work that cause you to question whether going into medicine was the right decision.  T has now spent nearly a decade in medical training, and there have been many moments along the way when he has wondered if he made the right decision.

T has asked friends and role models for their philosophy regarding work by posing the question, "how much should you enjoy the work that you do?"  Because, to be honest, there have been days, months, maybe even years, when he hasn't particularly enjoyed his job.  Is it worth persevering in your work even if you don't really enjoy it?  Will perseverance today result in fulfillment in the future?  Or is it better to search for work elsewhere, something different, something more enjoyable?

T has shown great patience, perseverance and devotion in his work, even on days when he hasn't necessarily enjoyed it.  We have taken the approach that work is called "work" for a reason, because it isn't necessarily enjoyable, perhaps even most of the time.  We have chosen to trust that, by doing a job well even if it isn't enjoyable, we are doing our part to make the world a better place, provide for our family and provide for others.  

This morning, the Lord seemed to confirm T in his work in a very special way.  T is on call this weekend and by 6am he had been paged that a patient had arrived with a femur fracture that would require surgery.  As he got dressed to go into the hospital, T turned to me and said, "you know, as long as I am on call, I actually feel like I might enjoy going in to do this today."  After so long, he finally felt a little more excited and a little less intimidated to go into work.  It was a feeling he couldn't fake, a moment of giving thanks that encouraged us.  I share this today as a reminder to us of the value of perseverance and for others who struggle to persevere in their work.

"'Just live your ordinary life; work where you are, trying to fulfill the duties of your state in life, 

finishing off the tasks in your professional work or job properly, improving, getting better each day.  

Be loyal; be understanding with others and be demanding of yourself.  Be mortified and cheerful.  

This will be your apostolate.

...When you have finished your work, do your brother's, helping him, for love of Christ, so tactfully and so naturally that not even the person you are helping realizes that you are doing more than in justice you ought.  This indeed is virtue befitting a son of God.'

May God infuse in my soul the desire to make of my work, not a self-centered activity geared to my own interests, but a service that is open and useful to many, done in the certainty that this ideal of service to others will give a new, higher and more joyful meaning to my life.

 ~Selected from Saint Josemaria Escriva, Novena for Work

Happy "In-Training Exam" Eve

Here I sit next to an exhausted T, who is taking a cat-nap between his late night review sessions for the departmental In-Training Exam tomorrow.  For the past several months he has come home from long, exhausting days of work only to pour over review questions, study books or review articles to prep for this exam.  For T, for all his fellow co-residents, and for all our families, I can't wait for tomorrow night when the test is over.  The test comes around at this time every year, and everyone seems to breathe a collective sigh of relief when it is over.

Did I mention he needs to round on his patients tomorrow morning before the exam starts?

Sheesh, man.  I need to go to bed just thinking about it.

If you think of him, say a prayer for sweet T as he takes his exam tomorrow.  It's his last In-Training exam before he takes his Boards next summer.  That, in and of itself, is exciting and anxiety-provoking at the same time.  Would someone please remind me why we signed up for the profession with never-ending testing?  :)

Bridge to the future

Today is one of my first residency planning meetings with the dean.  I have successfully put off this kind of meeting for a year now since I deferred matching and graduation this time last year.   Unfortunately, other than knowing where T and I will be next year for his fellowship,  I don't have any greater clarity about what my professional future will hold today than I did a year ago.  I have tried finding the answer in my prayer life, talking with T, through program websites, while playing with my kids, in conversations with advisors.  Today, I've got no answers.  I struggle to straddle two worlds, my home life and the medical profession, both of which I feel demand my utmost excellence and attention.  I know which world I want to come first.  What does that mean for the other, for my contribution to the world in medicine?


Proverbs 31 speaks about "The Wife of Noble Character" who I desperately want to be:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Decisions about residency are so hard for me to make.  Today, if you think of us, please pray for my insight and wisdom as I search for sure footing for my next steps.

Update: just want to thank everyone for prayers and encouragement.  The meeting was long, but I came away from it with renewed trust in God's plan for me.  Can't wait see what the future holds!

Hail to the Chief!

Today might seem like any other day at the hospital to many people.....

....but it is a big day in our residency life.

Today is T's first day as a Chief Resident physician.

Awwww, I am going to embarrass him.  I know he is already blushing.

He has already worked four long years of residency, and now he has just one more to go.  Although he might try to convince you that he doesn't feel any more senior today, don't you believe him.  I am here to remind him what good work he does, how much he has learned, how far he has come, and how blessed his patients are to be in his care.

How do I know this? 

Because I have been with him everyday along the way.  No one is bursting with more pride and admiration in his journey than me.  Because what makes T an excellent physician and Chief Resident is far more than what he has learned in the hospital these past four years:

He is a man of his word, careful not to make promises he can't keep.
He is a man of patience, even under pressure or when others are not.
He is a man of gentleness and love, placing the welfare of others before himself.

No matter how hard the day, T always comes home cheerful and loving.
No matter how short the night's sleep, he has a kiss for me in the morning before he leaves.
He always calls to update.
And,
When the work is done, when others may go their merry way, he is hurrying home to be with us.

T, 

know that I don't take you, 

or your past 4 years of hard work for us and your patients,

for granted.

I love you, my love.  Hang in there, I am so proud of you.  Lord willing, this will be a great Chief Year.